Knowing God In My Despair

“I can’t do this anymore.” I said to God.  It’s become so much harder to pray.  Those who have tasted despair know how difficult it is to put pain into words.

Sometimes I think that God deliberately waits for a situation to become impossible before He intervenes.  I have enough reason to believe that this is not always the case.  But a treasure of knowledge lies in the impossibilities.

Perhaps it is part of God’s perfect plan for us to learn about His character when the days are dark.  Wouldn’t it be great to walk a path with Him with only blessed days? Let me anxiously dare to say that the dark days are essential to the Christian life…

It took one appointment at the psychiatrist to confirm what I have been sure of all along: many mental disorders and one very chaotic life.  Bless the medical experts who try to help me the best way they know how.  And yet, the spiritual side of things are hidden to them.  To this I say: thanks be to God.  For He is my helper.

This is the treasure that lies within the dark days.  In those days where I cannot see the way forward, I have a hand that firmly holds mine.

When my mind and body allowed me to do many things, I thought that this was my identity.  Now that my dark days have stripped me of everything, I can boldly say: my identity is in Christ.  If I don’t have Him, I am nothing.

Furthermore, the sinful nature in me desires to complain about everything I do not have.  It distracts me from my blessings (which I do not deserve) and destroys joy.  My many mental disorders have paused my life, so God could come and renew my sight.  Things and people in my life have new meaning.  The things, people and moments I once took for granted, I hold dear now.

Maybe this is by far the biggest treasure of all: being reintroduced to the God I thought I knew.  One can quickly develop pride and the audacity to boast about knowledge.  Shamefully, I have to admit this sin.  I was wrong! I never knew such love as the one that I have been introduced to in my despair.  A love that can keep me from falling.  A love that carries me when I have nothing left.  A love that holds me even when my mind fantasizes about suicide.  His love has new meaning.

The God I thought I knew has reintroduced me to a fact that is essential to the Christian faith.  I had to stop depending on my own attempt to fix me and let the God who created me do that.  I have learned something precious: I do not even fully know the person in the mirror.  Yet, God knows and sees deeper.

I never imagined the power of dark days.  I never fully grasped how a trial can form me.  I never understood how I could grow closer to God because of the difficult times.  Until now.  In fact, it’s not about fixing me at all.  It’s about the process.  Perhaps, it is more about the road ahead then it is about the destination.  We need to have faith in the process that God is taking us through.

This is why I said: the dark days are essential to the Christian life.  In a season where I cannot see the way forward, I’m forced to grab His hand more firmly.  And in His grace He gives me even more.  I welcome His embrace.  He is truly Emmanuel: God with us!